Alcoholic Humor-Bar Joke of the Day

Trust Me I'm An Alcoholic - Book Of Bar Jokes By Tom Cahillane

2011-11-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

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'Trust Me. I'm An Alcoholic.' Tom Cahillane's New Joke Book Gets Four Stars!

2011-11-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

'Trust Me. I'm An Alcoholic.' Tom Cahillane's New Joke Book Gets Four Stars!

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2011-01-21T00:09:00.000-08:00

A Few Beers and a Rude Parrot

2009-11-25T12:10:00.000-08:00

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard

for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving
Forwarded by Marge B.

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-11-22T08:27:00.000-08:00

A snake slithers into a tavern and the barman says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asked the snake.
The barman says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-11-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

A man goes into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he drank the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "great shirt".
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the barkeep. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," said the bartender.
"What???"
"You heard me," said the barman. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."

Forwarded by Mike O.

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-11-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

Two vampires walk into a pub and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of fresh blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the second.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite."

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-11-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No,".
A few minutes later, the dog took a huge hunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man said.
"That's not my dog," was the reply...

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-11-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

A string goes into a bar and they won't serve him. So this upsets the string and it goes to a shrink. Since there's a little S & M in its background, it ties itself up, then tries to go into the same bar that would not serve him before. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a Freud knot."

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-10-25T02:01:00.001-07:00

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a draft beer.
Looking around, he sees five men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and she was wearing a tight sweater. Man, she has big boobs!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say anything. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker dude and would fight anyone.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still doesn’t say a word.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!'
At this point the biker gets up, takes the drunk by the back of his coat, looks him square in the eyes and says...
'Grandpa, you need to go home, you're drunk'

Bar Jpke of the Day

2009-10-25T02:00:00.001-07:00

Two women go out one night without their husbands. As they came back, just before 2am, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and very drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she took her underwear off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my underwear..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The next morning, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that our wives were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her underwear..." The other one said, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-10-25T01:58:00.001-07:00

Greg and Monica were on their way home from a party one night and Greg got pulled over by the police. The officer told Greg that he was stopped because his back tail light was burned out. Greg said, "I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right ASAP."
Just then Monica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you five days ago to get that tail light fixed."
So the officer asked for Greg’s license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license is expired."
And again Greg apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Monica said, "I told you a month ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, Greg is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Monica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Monica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Monica replied, "only when he's drunk."

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-10-25T01:56:00.001-07:00

A Greyhound bus was in route from Dayton, Ohio to Gary, Indiana. The bus had been chartered by a group of deaf/mute people on their way to a convention.

When the driver reached the half-way point he decided to stop at a passing bar so his passengers could have lunch and use the restrooms. The driver had an ulterior motive as well and wanted to slip away for an hour to see an old girlfriend he had in town.

He explained to the bartender that they would all have a hamburger with French fries for lunch. He then explained that they his new customers couldn’t hear or speak but if one of them slapped their hand once on the bar in meant they wanted a beer and if they slapped their hand twice on the bar it meant they wanted a shot and a beer.

The bus driver slipped out the door to meet his old girlfriend and the bartender served lunch. After lunch if a customer slapped his hand once on the bar he gave them a beer and if the customer slapped his hand twice on the bar he gave them a shot and a beer.
This code worked out fine and the bartender was happy with his new crowd of easy to please customers.

After about an hour passed all his new customers started to pound on the bar in unison. Not one or two slaps on the bar but multiple hard then soft then hard slaps.
Just as the bartender was scratching his head the bus driver returned and looked sadly at his passengers. He then looked at the bartender and said, “now that you got them singing I’ll never get them out of here.”

Bar Joke of the Day

2009-10-25T01:55:00.001-07:00

A man walks into a pub in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender responds, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knot hole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knot hole. About 10 minutes later he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest I've ever had! What do I owe you?" The barman replies, "You don’t owe me nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

Bar Joke of the Day 10/16/09

2009-10-25T01:53:00.001-07:00

Ted wakes up at home with a bad hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. Ted looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note left on the table "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Ted asks, "Boy, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 1 A.M., drunk and silly. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, Ted asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Bar Joke of the Day 10/15/09

2009-10-25T01:52:00.001-07:00

The big-time game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting days. The man was undoubtedly a great shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was exactly right.

They brought him another skin. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Moose, Shot with a 7mm rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills over and over, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he goes home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a black-eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my gown. Then you fiddled around a bit and said, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Bar Joke of the Day 10/14/09

2009-10-25T01:49:00.000-07:00

An old man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in a English Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would dig up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For PETE"S SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the explosives"

At 5 A.M. the next morning, ten British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any explosives. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's response was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Bar Joke of the Day 10/13/09

2009-10-25T01:48:00.001-07:00

Irish business men have their names and addresses printed on the front and back of their business card, in case someone loses them.

Bar Joke of the Day 10/12/09

2009-10-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

A Irish drunk boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he gets comfortable, he looks up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards the seat next to him. As expected she does. Wanting to strike up a conversation, he says, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Dublin."

He swallows hard and is instantly overcome with excitement. Here's the most attractive woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business part at this convention?"

She says, "Speaker. I use my experiences to reduce some of the popular myths about sex." "Really," he says, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one very popular myth is
that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely has that trait."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when really it's men of Jewish descent." Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and turns red. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be telling this to you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." the man says as he extends his hand.

Bar Joke of the Day 10/9/09

2009-10-25T01:45:00.001-07:00

Three women went home after a very late night out drinking beer until the wee hours. They met the next day for a afternoon beer, and compared notes about who had been the biggest drunk.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, went into the house, and before I reached the kitchen, I blew chunks".

To which the second woman said, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the bar parking lot, and drove into the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third announced, "I was by far the biggest drunk last night. I went home, I get in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first woman says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

Bar Jpke of the Day 10/8/09

2009-10-25T01:44:00.001-07:00

Tom Callahan lived in Detroit, Michigan and worked in Windsor. He had to take the ferryboat home every evening. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Tom decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain and having a great time. When he got back to the ferry entrance gate, the ferryboat was just seven feet from the dock. Tom, afraid of missing the boat and being late for dinner, took a running jump and landed right on the deck of the ferryboat. "How did you like that jump?" said a proud Tom to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Bar Joke of the Day 10/7/09

2009-10-25T01:43:00.001-07:00

A timid young man goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself. After an hour he gathers enough nerve to go and ask her, "excuse me, but would it be OK if I sat here beside you?" She responds in a loud voice : "NO, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" Everyone in the bar turns and looks at them. The young man is shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table alone. After a couple of minutes the woman walks over to him and apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS? FOR ONE NIGHT ? THATS TOO MUCH MONEY !"

Bar Joke of the Day 10/6/09

2009-10-25T01:41:00.000-07:00

A man is at a local pub, having a few drinks. After a couple hours he's pretty drunk and starts to feel like he's going to be sick. He runs into the bathroom but doesn't quite make it to a toilet in time and pukes all over his shirt.
As he's slumped against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another guy walks in the bathroom.
The drunk says to the other guy in a slurred voice, "Man my wife is going to be really mad!"
The other guy says to the drunk, "Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you go home tell your wife that some drunk puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the dry cleaning bill."
The drunk says, "Say! Thats a great idea! Thanks!"
The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his top pocket. Feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.
Later that night the drunk staggers in the door to find his wife waiting for him.
As she starts yelling at him, "Look at you! You're a reck! How many times have I told you not to go out and get drunk? Who is going to clean your shirt?"
"Look babe, you got it all wrong. This guy at the bar, he pukes all over me and he gives me twenty bucks to pay for the dry cleaning bill," the drunk says to her while pointing at his top pocket.
"Oh really?" she says, "Then what is the other twenty for?"
"Oh, that's from the other man that shit in my pants!"

Sent by Mark M.

Bar Joke of the Day 10/05/09

2009-10-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. She asks him to step out of his car. He gets out of the car. The Lady cop says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." He replies "BREASTS.

Bar Joke of the Day 10/2/09

2009-10-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

A duck walks into a bar at opening time, waddles up to the bartender, and says, "Ya got any duck food?"

"No," says the bartender, "this is a bar. I serve drinks here. I don't have any duck food."

"Oookay!" the duck says, and waddles out.

The next day, right at opening time, the duck turns up again. "Ya got any duck food?"

"No!" shouts the bartender. "I told you yesterday. This is a bar, not a pet store. I don't have any duck food. I serve drinks. Not ducks. Got it?"

"Oookay!" says the duck, and it waddles out again.

The next day, the duck shows up again right at opening time. "Ya got any duck food?"

"I told you yesterday and the day before that I don't have any duck food!" the bartender shouts. "This is a bar. A BAR! Not a pet store. No duck food!"

"Oookay," the duck says, and waddles out.

The next day the duck turns up again right at opening time. "Ya got any duck food?"

"Look, you stupid duck," the bartender says. "I told you for the last three days that I don't have any duck food, and if you come back in her one more time, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor! Understand?"

The duck cowers back, and quietly says, "Oookay," then slinks out of the bar.

The next day at opening time -- no duck. The bartender looks around. Still not duck. He waits five minutes. Ten. Fifteen. Still no duck.

Just when he's thinking he's finally rid of the duck, he hears, "Psst!

The bartender looks around, but doesn't see anything.

"Psst! Hey! Buddy! C'mere!"

Finally he sees a little duck beak sticking around the edge of the door.

"What? What do you want?"

"C'mere!"

The bartender crosses the room. "Yeah? What is it?"

The duck, still lurking outside the door, waves one wing. "Here. Bend down. I gotta ask you something."

The bartender bends down. "Come on, I don't have all day. What is it?"

"Ya got any hammers?"

"No, I don't have any hammers. This is a bar, not a hardware store?"

"Well, then ya got any nails?"

"I told you, this isn't a hardware store. It's a bar. I sell drinks, not nails."

"Oh, good!" The duck swings around the corner and waddles into the bar. "Then ya got any duck food?"

Bar Joke of the Day 10/1/09

2009-10-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Bar Joke of the Day 9/30/09

2009-10-04T05:39:00.000-07:00

A skeleton walks into a bar. Says "gimme a beer. And a mop."

Bar Joke of the Day 9/29/09

2009-10-04T05:25:00.000-07:00

A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket:

One dozen large eggs, One pound of Swiss cheese, One box of brownie mix, One twelve pack of soda, Two pounds of coffee, One gallon of whole milk.

As she was placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,"You must be single."

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

Curiously, she said "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?" The drunk slurred, "'Because you're ugly. "

Bar Joke of the Day 9/28/09

2009-09-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

A three legged dog walks into the bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Bar Joke of the Day 9/25/09

2009-09-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

A grouchy old pirate walks awkwardly into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. The bartender, seeing the pirate, asks " Whats with the steering wheel?", to which the pirate replies: "YAAAR! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!"

Bar Joke of the Day 09/24/09

2009-09-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Did you hear what happened to the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Bar Joke of the Day 9/23/09

2009-09-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

A young polar bear goes to his dad and says, "Hey, am I a polar bear?".
His dad replies "Yeah you are, I'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, we're all polar bears." The young polar bear walks off not feeling completely fulfilled so he asks his mother.
"Am I a polar bear?"
She replies, "Yeah sure you are, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, we all are." he still isn't sure, so he asks his grandad.
"Am I a polar bear?"
He answers "Sure you are, I'm a polar bear, your parents are polar bears. Why do you ask?"
"Because I am fucking freezing!" he replies.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/22/09

2009-09-28T15:00:00.001-07:00

Q: What do you call a black lawyer?
A: You call him a lawyer, you fucking racist!

Bar Joke of the Day 9/21/09

2009-09-28T14:52:00.001-07:00

A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...and he orders a drink.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/18/09

2009-09-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

Forwarded by Jim K.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/17/09

2009-09-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Q: How do you make Mogan David Wine?
A: You kick him where it counts!

Bar Joke of the Day 9/16/09

2009-09-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

What's the difference between a bar and a g-spot?

Most men don't have any trouble finding a bar.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/15/09

2009-09-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

A man who had recently left his wife, gets really drunk one cold night and staggers to their house and starts banging on the front door.

After about five minutes, she opens the upstairs window and asks what he wants.

"Sweetheart, It's really cold out," he yells up to her. "Can I stay here tonight?"

"Yes, sure you can!" she replies. "I thought you wanted to come in."

Bar Joke of the Day 9/14/09

2009-09-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

A woman was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the bar, so one night, to keep the peace he took her along.

"What are you drinking?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm not sure. Whatever you drink I guess," she said.

So the husband ordered two beers, then drank his down in one drink.

The wife took a swig from her glass and immediately spit it back out. "Oh, that tastes terrible!" she moaned. "I don't know how you can drink this awful stuff!"

"Well," said the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"

Bar Joke of the Day 9/11/09

2009-09-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

The number 9 walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "I can't serve you."

"Why?" ask the number nine.

"Because you're under 21!

Bar Joke of the Day 9/10/09

2009-09-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer "Sure, that will be a nickle." "Five cents???" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yep." So the guy says "I'm hungry. I'll have a club sandwich, with fries." "Sure thing!" says the bartender, but that will be fifty cents."
"Fifty cents!" yells the guy. "Where's the owner of this place?" The barkeep responds, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

Bar Joke of the Day9/9/09

2009-09-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

A guy strolls into a bar with a turtle in his left hand. The turtle's right eye is black and blue, two of his legs are banged up, and his shell is taped on with scotch tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing," the man says, this old turtle is faster than your bar dog!" "I can't see that being true!", responds the barman. "Okay, says the guy with the turtle, then take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the bar and call your dog. I'll bet you $100 that before your dog greets you, my turtle will be there ahead of him." Now the barman, thinking it's an easy $100, agrees to take the bet. The barman goes to the other side of the bar, and calls his dog. In a flash, the guy picks up the turtle and throws it across the room smashing into the wall by the barman and says - "I WIN AGAIN!"

Bar Joke of the Day 9/08/09

2009-09-06T05:11:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school class reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunk lady sipping her drink as she sat alone in a booth across from them.

His wife asked, 'Do you know that woman?'

'Yes,' he answered, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking right after we broke up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober a day since.'

'My God!' said his wife, 'who would think someone could go on celebrating for that long?'

Submitted by Jim K.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/07/09

2009-09-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

A drunk with a terrible memory was lucky enough to recall that today was his anniversary. He decided to stop and buy his wife a gift on his way home from the bar.

He vaguely remembered his wife was hinting about something she wanted for their upcoming anniversary and her saying, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 170 in about 3 seconds.'

He bought her a bathroom scale.

Submitted by Jim K.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/04/09

2009-09-06T04:51:00.000-07:00

One night a man came home late from the bar and jumped into bed with his wife who was watching a rerun of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

"Do you want to fool around?" He asked.

"No," she answered.

He then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at him, but responded, "Yes."

So he slurred, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Submitted by Jim K.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/03/09

2009-09-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a seedy looking tavern. The barkeep strolls over and asks him "What do you want to drink?" The man points out to a guy laying on the tavern floor and says "Whatever that guys drinking."

Submitted by Mike R.

Bar Joke of the Day 9/2/09

2009-09-02T04:40:00.000-07:00

A man notices a great looking woman at the bar and goes up to say hello. She said hello back so he asked her name.

"Carmen," she responded.

That's a pretty name," he said. "Who gave you that name, your mom?"

"No, I named myself, she replied.

"Oh really? Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said suggestively. "What's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

Bar Joke of the Day 9/1/09

2009-09-02T04:27:00.000-07:00

A drunk called the cops to tell them that thieves had broken in his car.

"They have stolen the steering wheel, the dashboard, the brake and the gas pedal!" he reported.

But, before the investigation could begin, the telephone rang a second time with the same person calling.

"Please disregard my last call," he hiccuped, "I stepped into the back seat by mistake."

Bar Joke of the Day 8/31/09

2009-08-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

A nurse was working in the E.R. of a local hospital when a young woman with pink hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, showing multiple tattoos, and wearing grunge clothing entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled to have immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeon noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed bright green and directly above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was successfully completed, the surgeon wrote a short note to the patient, which simply said, 'Sorry - We had to mow the lawn.'

Forwarded by Rich K.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/28/09

2009-08-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

"Doctor, can you help me? I just can't seem to stop my hands from shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Bar Joke of the Day 8/27/09

2009-08-28T05:48:00.000-07:00

An E.R. doctor was speaking with a young patient who was complaining of a terrible headache and vomiting.
"I can't seem to find a cause for your illness," the doctor commented. "But to be honest, I think it's due to heavy drinking."
"Well if that's the case," said his patient, "I'll come back tomorrow when you're sober."

Bar Joke of the Day 8/26/09

2009-08-26T04:23:00.000-07:00

A young woman from Detroit was arrested in Miami for attempting to smuggle cocaine into the USA by concealing it in her breast implants.

The customs officer that arrested her said, "hers was the only genuine drug bust he had been involved in."

Bar Joke of the Day 8/25/09

2009-08-26T04:14:00.000-07:00

A man is sitting at the bar when an absolutely beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "For fifty dollars I'll do anything you like."

The man starts going through his pockets looking for cash. He pulls out two twenties, and ten ones.

He takes the crumbled up cash and puts it into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Bar Joke of the Day 8/24/09

2009-08-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

A man in a bar sees an old friend sitting alone at a table. He walks up to his friend and says, "You look awful. What's the matter?"

"My mom died in May," his friend said, "and she left me $10,000. Then in June my father passed away, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow! Losing both of your parents in two months. I can understand why you're depressed."

"And last month my cousin died, and left me $5,000." The friend continued.

"Three family members lost in three months? That's so sad."

"Then this month," remarked, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Bar Joke of the Day 8/21/09

2009-08-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

Q. How do you know when you’re in a tough lesbian bar?

A. Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/20/09

2009-08-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

Two medical marijuana clinics in the Los Angeles, CA area were broken into and robbed of their inventory. At this time the police have no suspects. Operators of the clinics believe the robberies may be somehow connected and are launching a joint investigation.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/19/09

2009-08-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

This year a Girl Scout sold 19,124 boxes of cookies by setting up shop on a street corner in a tough part of town. This is a new sales record.

A Girl Scout spokesperson stated that the guy selling dime bags of pot across the street was entirely coincidental.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/18/09

2009-08-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

A guy is walking along the beach when a beautiful young woman in a skin tight wet suit walks up to him. She unzips the wet suit a little and removes a cigar. She then lights the cigar and places it between the his lips.

He's amazed. She then unzips it a little further and pulls out an ice cold bottle of beer and hands it to the guy. He thinks he must be in heaven.

She then unzips the wet suit to just below her belly button and says, "Do you want to play around?"

He says, "You have golf clubs in there???"

Bar Joke of the Day 8/17/09

2009-08-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

A guy goes into a Japanese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?"

The barman says, "Once upon a time...."

Bar Joke of the Day 8/14/09

2009-08-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

A cab driver gets a call to pick up a guy at a bar. He goes to the bar and finds that his new fare had been drinking all day but the cab driver don't care, and just pours the drunk into the back seat of the taxi.

After getting directions back to the drunks place, the drunk and the cab driver start talking.

The drunk guy leans into the front seat and says, "Hey cab driver! Do you think you have room in the front for a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey?"

The cab driver says "OK! Not a problem."

The drunk guy then vomits all over the front seat!"

Forwarded by John M.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/13/09

2009-08-18T10:36:00.001-07:00

A man with no arms walked into a bar. He ordered a beer and asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his back pocket, since he had no arms.

The bartender reached in the mans back pocket and took out the money. The armless man then asked if the bartender would put the glass up to his lips so he could drink his beer. The bartender put the beer to the mans lips and tipped it in his mouth. He then asked if the bartender would get a napkin from and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and remarked that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to help him do all those things.

The man said, "Yes, it is. By the way, where is the bathroom?"

The bartender replied, "The nearest bathroom is in the gas station two blocks down the road."

Bar Joke of the Day 8/12/09

2009-08-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Bob and his wife Mary went on a trip to Vegas for their 25th wedding anniversary. After they entered the casino and checked in, an attractive young woman dressed in a very sexy dress walked up to Bob, introduced herself as Heather, and started to make small talk. Bob blew her off.

Mary said, “Bob, that young lady was nice and polite, and you were very rude.”

“Mary, she’s a hooker.”

“I can't believe that. That sweet young girl?”

“Let’s go up to the hotel room and I’ll prove she's a hooker.”

They entered the room and Bob called down to the reception desk and asked for ‘Heather’ to come to his room. “OK,” he said to his wife, “you hide in the closet with the door open just enough to hear us.” After about five minutes, there was a knock on the door. Bob opened it and Heather walked right in, looking very sexy.

Bob asked, “What do you charge?”

“$200 per hour” Heather responded.

“$200 per hour! I was thinking more around $50 per hour.” Bob said.

“You must be crazy if you think you can get sex at that price.” Heather replied.

“Well, that's to high.” said Bob, “I guess you should leave. Bye.”

After she left, Mary came out of the closet. She said, “I can’t believe it!”

Bob said, “Let’s forget all about it. Why don't we go have a drink.”

At the bar, as they sipped their drinks, Heather came up behind Bob, pointed at Mary, and said, “See what you get for $50?”

Bar Joke of the Day 8/11/09

2009-08-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

As a man who had to much to drink was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. He fumbled for the phone and after he answered, he heard his wife's voice warning him, "Tom, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on expressway 75. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Tom. "It's hundreds of them!"

Bar Joke of the Day 8/10/09

2009-08-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

A tough old Army Sergeant found himself at a wild party given by a local college fraternity looking for new recruits. There was plenty of very young attractive women at the party, and a tipsy young blond approached the Sergeant and started chatting after noticing he seemed like he wasn't having a very good time.

'Well hello, Sergeant, you seem to be a very serious person. Is something bothering you?'

'No ma'am. Army sergeants are always serious.'

The tipsy young lady looked at his metals and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, I've seen a lot of action.'

The tipsy young lady, trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should loosen up a bit. Relax and try to have fun.'

The Sergeant just stared at her in a very serious manner.

The tipsy young woman remarked, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'Last time was 1980, ma'am.'

'Well, that's it. No wonder you're so serious. I mean, no sex since 1980! She took his hand and led him to a bedroom where she proceeded to seduce him several times.

Afterwards, she whispered in his ear and said, 'My goodness, you sure didn't forget much since 1980.'

The Sergeant said in a very serious tone, after looking at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2200 now.'

Forwarded by Jim K.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/07/09

2009-08-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

The Devil walks into a packed bar. Once people noticed the devil, the bar emptied with people running out the door screaming. Every one ran out except for one middle aged man sitting at the bar. The Devil walks over to where the man is seated and says "Don't you know I'm the devil?"
The man sitting at the bar took another sip of his drink and says "I know who you are."
The Devil gazed at the man and said "Well aren't you scared?"
The man looks at the Devil and shrugs "No, I've been married to your sister for 20 years. Why would I be scared of you?"

Bar Joke of the Day 8/06/09

2009-08-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. He throws down his drink, and he looks in his top shirt pocket, then he asks the barman to pour him another scotch. Right after he drinks that one he looks inside his top shirt pocket and asks the barman to bring him another scotch. The barman says, "I'll bring you as many shots of scotch as you like, but why is it you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a fresh drink?" The patron replies, "I'm looking at a picture of my wife. As soon as she starts to look attractive, I know it's time to go home!

Bar Joke of the Day 8/5/09

2009-08-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

A young motorcycle rider walks into a biker bar. He sits down at the bar and sees a mellow old biker staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After watching the old biker just sitting there staring at it for five minutes, the young rider quietly asks the old biker, "Hey, if you aren't going to eat that chili, mind if I do?".

The old guy slowly turns his head toward the young rider and says, "I'm not gonna eat it, you go ahead".

The young biker reaches over and takes the bowl and starts eating it in very quickly. When he gets near the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The sight was so overwhelming and he immediately barfed up all the chili back into the bowl. The old biker looked over at him and says, "That's as far as I got, too."

Forwarded by Jim K.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/04/09

2009-08-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

My doctor told me to stay far away from methamphetamine. So I bought a ten-foot straw.

Bar Joke of the Day 8/03/09

2009-08-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the heroin addict get on his IQ test?

A: Drool.

Bar Joke of the Day 7/31/09

2009-08-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Q: Why do cocaine addicts have sex 'doggie style'?
A: So they can both look out the window to see if any cops are coming.

Bar Joke of the Day 7/30/09

2009-07-31T08:01:00.000-07:00

A farmer decided to take his five female pigs to the market to sell at a country fair. While having a beer at the fair, he met another farmer who had five male pigs. After a few beers, they decided to mate the pigs and split the profit. The farmers lived in different towns that were 20 miles apart. So they decided to meet half way, and let the pigs mate. The farmer with the female pigs got up at the crack of dawn and loaded the pigs into his truck and drove the 10 miles to the half-way point to meet his new friend with the male pigs. They let the pigs mate in an empty field. "How will I know if my pigs are pregnant?" The farmer with the male pigs answered, "If they're lying in the sun tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're playing in the mud, They didn't get pregnant." The next morning the pigs were playing in the mud. So he called his farmer friend on the phone, gave him the bad news, and loaded them into his truck to try again. Every morning for more than a week the farmer would look out the window the following morning to see his pigs playing in the mud and would have to drive the ten miles to meet the farmer with the male pigs. On the tenth morning the farmer with the male pigs called him on the phone very early and asked, "Are they lying in the sun or playing in the mud?" "Neither, they're in the truck, honking the horn!''

Bar Joke of the Day 7/29/09

2009-07-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

A dude walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Do you have any specials?" The Bartender replies, "Yep, we have a new drink on special, created by a gynecologist. It's half Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and half Smirnoff Vodka." The dude says, "Oh my gosh! What do you call it?" The bartender answers, "It's a 'Pabst Smir."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/28/09

2009-07-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

A man travels to Ireland and begins to backpack around the farm lands.

As he's walking down an old country road he happens to see a farmer having sex with a sheep. Totally shocked, he quickly walks to the nearest pub and orders a double whiskey. Just as he is about to drink it, he notices a man with one leg masturbating at the end of the bar.

“For the love of God!” shouts the visitor, “What is going on here? I have only been in Ireland a few hours and I have watched as one guy screwed a sheep, and if that's not shocking enough I walk in here and some man is jerking off at the bar!”

“What did you expect?,” says the bartender, “A man with one leg isn't fast enough to catch a sheep!”

Bar Joke of the Day 7/27/09

2009-07-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

Three ducks walk into a bar. The bartender serves them each a beer and tries to strike up a conversation.

“What’s your name?” He asks the first duck.

“Huey” says the duck.

“How’s your day going, Huey?”

“Fantastic. Couldn't be better. Been in and out of puddles all day long."

“Well that's great.”, replies the Bartender.

So he says to the second duck “Good afternoon. What’s your name?”

“Dewey” says the second duck.

“How’s your day going, Dewey?”

“Wonderful. It's been a banner day. Been in and out of puddles all day long."

Now the Bartender looks at the third duck and asks “So, you must be Louie?"

“No”, snaps the third duck, “My name is Puddles. And please don’t ask me about my day."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/24/09

2009-07-25T09:44:00.001-07:00

"An Irishman walks out of a bar...hey, it could happen"

Forwarded by Mark M.

Bar Joke of the Day 7/23/09

2009-07-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Liquor is like love. The first kiss is magic. The second is great. The third is usual. After that you just take your clothes off.

Bar Joke of the Day 7/22/09

2009-07-24T12:17:00.001-07:00

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung-Fu powers!

Bar Joke of the Day 7/21/09

2009-07-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the man at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "No sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So the stoner left.
The same stoner comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although somewhat annoyed, replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.
The stoner returns again to the gas station later that day. And once more, he says to the man working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the gas station man was angry. He yells, "You stoned' refer-smoking', burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that stuff here! If you ever come back in here asking for weed again, I'll nail your feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day the pothead went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, " no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

Bar Joke of the Day 7/20/09

2009-07-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

What’s the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk!

Bar Joke of the Day 7/17/09

2009-07-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Country and Western Songs

10. Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

Forwarded by Aly B.

Bar Joke of the Day 7/16/09

2009-07-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

A snake slides into a bar and the barman says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The barman says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/15/09

2009-07-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yeah, I'm positive..."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/14/09

2009-07-14T12:17:00.001-07:00

An arctic seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “anything but a Canadian Club” said the seal.

Bar Joke of the Day 7/13/09

2009-07-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

A young woman was complaining about how her "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny, usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/10/09

2009-07-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

A Texan walks into a bar and buys a round of drinks for the house and says that his wife had "a Texas baby" weighing in at twenty pounds.

Two weeks later the Texan walks into the same bar. The barkeep recognizes him and remarks, "Hey, I remember you! You're the father of the Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds when it was born!"

"You betcha, I surely am!"

"How much does that baby weigh now?" Asked the barkeep.

"Ten pounds." replied the Texan.

The barkeep says, "What happened? He weighed twenty pounds just two weeks ago."

The proud Texas dad responds, "Well we had him circumcised!"

Bar Joke of the Day 7/09/09

2009-07-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

A man goes into an upscale bar wearing a shirt without a tie and is greeted by the bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to enter. So the man walks out to his car and he looks for a necktie and discovers that he doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in the back of his trunk. In a final effort to gain entry he ties the cables around his neck, and loops a decent looking knot. He goes back into the bar and the bouncer looks at him and says, "Alright, you can come on inside - just don't start anything."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/08/09

2009-07-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

A Mexican Chihuahua, an Irish Setter and a English Bulldog walk into a bar, sit down, and order a beer. They all notice a beautiful French Poodle sitting at the end of the bar and they all start hitting on her. The poodle responds, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can take me on a date."

The bulldog says, "I eats liver and cheese." The poodle says, "That's not good grammar."

The setter says, "I smell liver and cheese." The poodle says, "That won't do."

The chihuahua won the date by saying, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/07/09

2009-07-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron?
"Since you’re a neutron?" says the barman, "no charge."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/06/09

2009-07-09T01:36:00.000-07:00

A sailor and a pirate sit next to each other in a bar. The two men become friends and begin to talk about their adventures at sea.

The sailor notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook on his left arm, and a black eye patch. He asks, "What happened that you have a peg leg?"

The pirate says, "We raided an English ship, and I was in a one on one sword fight with the captain of that ship. It's the only battle I ever lost...he cut off my leg with his sword."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "Is there a story about the hook"?

"Well," says the pirate, "I was accused of being a pirate in the middle east when I was caught stealing gold from an Arab ship. I was found guilty and my left hand was cut off."

"Oh my gosh!" marveled the sailor. "Why the eye patch?"

"Sea salt," said the pirate. The waves at sea washed sea salt in my eye."

"You lost your eye from a little sea salt?" the sailor questioned.

"Well," replied the embarrassed pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/3/09

2009-07-04T04:57:00.001-07:00

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

Bar Joke of the Day 7/2/09

2009-07-04T04:53:00.001-07:00

A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a month later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

Bar Joke of the Day 7/1/09

2009-07-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

Early one morning I was awakened by a phone call somewhere around 6am. It was a female friend who I worked with for many years who loved to party. She informed me she had been arrested for DUI and asked if I would be kind enough to bail her out of jail.
I headed down to the police station and paid her bail. On the ride to the police pound where they had taken her car I asked her what happened.
“I was driving north on Coachman Drive and I passed a squad car parked on the south side of the street, so I did a u-turn and pulled up behind him.” She said.
“What made you do that?” I questioned.
“I'm not sure. I guess I just love a man in uniform.” She answered.
“So that's why he arrested you?”
“No. I started to flirt with him and he told me to leave him alone but I kept right on flirting.”
“So that's why the cop arrested you? For flirting with him?”
“No.” She answered. “He told me I appeared to be drunk and if I didn't leave he was going to make me blow.”
“So you kept on flirting and he arrested you.” I remarked.
“Well it was kind of like that.” She replied. “I kept flirting and he did ask me to blow...so I dropped to my knees and tried to unzip his pants.”

Bar Joke of the Day 6/30/09

2009-07-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar and says to the barmaid "Give me four rum and cokes."

The barmaid says "My goodness!, you must being having a really bad day."

"Yeah, My younger brother just announced he's gay."

The next afternoon the same man strolls into the bar and asked for five rum and cokes. The barmaid asks if hes still upset about his younger brother, the man replies, "I just found out that my older brother is gay as well!"

On the third day the man walks into the bar, sits down, and orders six rum and cokes.

The barmaid thinks for a second and says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yes, I just found out my wife is gay..."

Bar Joke of the Day 6/29/09

2009-07-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Two guys were sitting at the bar, and they were both watching the TV when the ten o'clock news started. It showed a guy on a bridge about to jump off, looking very suicidal. "I'll bet you $20 he jumps," challenged the first guy. "Bet you $20 he doesn't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the TV put his hands up in the air and jumped off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy over the twenty dollars.

"I don't want your money," remarked the first guy. "I cheated. That same story was on the six o'clock news." "Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the six o'clock news as well. I just didn't think the guy was foolish enough to jump twice!"

Bar Joke of the Day 06/26/09

2009-06-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

I checked myself into rehab because I'm addicted to antabuse. I wanna drink but I can't because of the antabuse addiction.

Bar Joke of the Day 06/25/09

2009-06-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Bar Joke of the Day 06/24/09

2009-06-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a 'Tom Collins' with a plum in it.
The bartender says, "I think you mean a cherry."
She replies, "I mean a plum."
The bartender looks at her and says, "You know, I've been tending bar here for 10 years and you're the first person that has ever asked for a Tom Collins with a plum. What gave you that idea?"
The woman said, "Five years ago I lost my cherry and I've been plumb crazy ever since."

Bar Joke of the Day 06/23/09

2009-06-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

A Catholic guy decides its been too long since his last confession and goes to church and enters the confessional box. He looks around the small dimly lit box and notices a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a tray of fine Cuban cigars. Then the priest walks in.

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned. It's been a long time since my last confession...but I must admit the confessional box is very inviting these days.”

The priest replies, “Get out. You are on my side.”

Submitted to A/H by Rich K.

Bar Joke of the Day 06/22/09

2009-06-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

Eight worms were placed into four separate jars. Two worms in each jar.

The first two worm's were put into a jar of 40 proof alcohol.

The second two worm's were put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third two worm's were put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth two worm's were put into a jar of soil.

After 24 Hours: All the worms died except the two worms that were placed in soil.

Conclusion: As long as you drink heavy, smoke often and have sex, you won't get any worms!

Bar Joke of the Day 06/19/09

2009-06-22T05:11:00.001-07:00

You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?